My Hope?
by Clement Rage
Summary: After arriving on Pulse with the others, Hope Estheim is on a downward spiral. Spoilers up to chapter 11.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Square Enix. Just in case you were wondering.

**My Hope?**

**Day 1: Arrival**

"Home sweet home...Welcome to Gran Pulse."

Despite Vanille's wild cheers, Hope Estheim couldn't help but feel that almost being swallowed by a giant sky worm wasn't the best omen for the future. He buried his face in Bahamut's spines as Dahaka spun in the air to face them again, but the Fal'Cie merely swooped on the remnants of the airship. Nonetheless, Fang was unwilling to tempt fate and brought her Eidolon down on a vacant clifftop. Vacant, that is, courtesy of a Pulsar Burst. Lightning was the first to hit Pulse soil, rolling upright with Gladius in hand to scan her surroundings. Surprisingly, Sazh followed almost as quickly. Once they weren't immediately ambushed, Snow let Hope follow, before dropping down himself. Fang and Vanille, of course, were joined at the hip in all their actions, and entered into a whispered discussion immediately on landing.

Following Sazh's example, Hope threw himself flat and hugged the ground, happy to have reached it without being splattered over a wide radius. His eyes closed, he picked up the occasional word from behind him.

"Dahaka's range ... Taijin ..."

"Open plain?"

"...Cliff..."

"...thought... saw Titan."

"You think...?

"Mmm-hmm."

"Damn."

He was dragged to his feet, not unkindly, and met Lightning's eyes.

"You okay?"

"I'll live. You?

She shrugged. Snow, behind them, was about to give his own status report when Fang dismissed her Eidolon and thwacked the still prone Sazh hard in the shoulder.

"Ow! What the-"

"Sorry, but we don't have time to hang around. This is the Steppe. It's what Cocoon had in mind when they first said Pulse was hell." The spearwielder looked to Vanille. "You remember, right?"

The girl nodded. "BAAD."

"Right. Behemoths. Adamantortoises. Adamanchelids. And Dahaka. The things you need to avoid if you want to survive a crossing. There's lots of other stuff too −Tonberries, Gigantuars, Zirnitrae− but there's not so many of them. We should be okay for the moment, but we need to get moving before the weather turns. In fog or rain, we might not see something coming before it lands on us. We can't stick around."

"How about Bahamut?" Hope didn't want to trek through the aforementioned horrors if he didn't have to.

"Dahaka − he's the Fal'Cie that introduced himself back there− doesn't like things in his way. He might not give up so easily next time. It's going to be a long walk."

Had he had the time, Hope would have covered his face, but they were already running.

'_Pulse is hell'. And I brought us here._

* * *

_Thanks for reading. Reviews appreciated, compliments not compulsory._


	2. Chapter 2

_Okay, now for something a little more substantial. _

**Day 2: Making Camp**

His first headlong sprint towards safety across the Archylte Steppe was among the most terrifying few hours in Hope Estheim's life so far, although there were probably greater trials to come. What he suffered from, as best as he could understand it, wasn't just blind terror but culture shock. Pulse was so...alien... to his experience, that it was all he could do to keep running in Fang's wake.

It wasn't that the landscape was hostile. By now, he was used to dangerous environments. But... in the Vile Peaks, the soldiers had been consciously seeking L'Cie, the Pulse remnants had been _trying_ to destroy intruders. Since Bodhum, Hope had taken everything his environment had thrown at him, from the Peaks to the Whitewood, even to his hometown. And all of those places had been focused on _him. H_e'd taken everything they had and lived, growing stronger all the time. The L'Cie had shaped their environment.

On Pulse, it was different. If they were all eaten by a Behemoth King, they would be a meal. No more than that. Barthandelus would be slightly annoyed, but Pulse ... would not even notice. Now, there was no concerted effort being made to hunt them, but in these few short hours, a Gorgonopsid had buried teeth in Lightning's right shoulder, almost taking her arm. A Behemoth had cracked Snow's ribs in a brief encounter before Vanille had Dazed it. And Fang had taken the time to introduce the Pulse natives to 'the king of this little nature reserve'...

_The L'Cie were well over two hundred metres away, but the tremors still had enough power to make them miss steps. Fang didn't bother to point. A tortoise the size of a small mountain was difficult to miss._

"_Meet Adamantortoise. Nothing messes with this guy, not Behemoths, not Neochus, nothing. Even Titan doesn't like playing with them. We'll be lucky to break his skin."_

"_Hear that, Snow? No challenging it to a duel." _

"_Light, I may be a hero, but−"_

"_Sanity? A hero doesn't __**need**__ sanity!"_

_There was a suspicious flash of teeth from Lightning's direction, but she didn't speak._

And they'd gotten out of the Steppe. Battered, bruised, and exhausted, but they'd made it out. Hope was the only one who hadn't taken a scratch, due to Lightning and Snow's shared habit of jumping between him and any danger.

Clearing their campsite took a while, but the Vallis Media was ideal. They had enough space to fight, but no wildlife could approach in any numbers, and the valley was far too narrow for 'the king.' Towards the latter part of the day, clouds had begun gathering, but Hope had assumed Fang's skyward attention was on Dahaka's account. On Cocoon, it rained when the Fal'Cie wanted it to. Any unwelcome weather was preceded by an announcement from the Sanctum, at least in the towns. When the water droplets eventually came, it served as a further reminder of just how far he was from home.

For the others, the downpour was a more immediate concern. They had no blankets, towels, or tents, and no idea what viruses were floating around the Pulsian air. Not willing to be slowed by sickness, their only option was to constantly create magical Shells to keep themselves dry. Initially it was uncomfortable, but the L'Cie were now used to harsh conditions, and once Sazh somehow managed to start a fire during torrential rain, the newly inhabited campsite became almost palatable.

When the first flash of lightning lit the sky, the Cocoon natives all flinched, while Fang and Vanille only blinked.

"Something wrong?" It was Lightning who answered.

"No storms in Cocoon's towns ... not unless PSICOM are up to something and need cover."

"So...you've never seen Lightning before?"

"Mostly just the manadrive variety."

Another flash. Closer.

"Lightning is scary," Hope interjected, over the thunder now rolling. "Shell!"

Vanille, looking across the fire, said "But I thought you- ...Oh."

Some smiles.

"No need to be getting confused now... While that storm's blowing, lightning's gonna be either 'that flashy thing in the sky' or ' soldier girl with the stabby shooty thing'"

The children nodded enthusiastically at Sazh' suggestion, while Lightning made her trademarked dismissive/irritated noise. You know the one.

"Or maybe you could tell us your real name..."

Dismissive/irritated noise. " Hold on to hope."

"What? Why? What'd I do?"

"...From now on, you shall be called 'ironically pessimistic kid', while hope shall be 'future thing we don't have much of'. We can't have misunderstandings now."

"Oh, yeah, believe me; I've been through them all. Every morning: 'Wake your father. You know you're my only Hope!' Or, terrifyingly, 'We're going to have to give up Hope...' Some business plan fell through."

Pause.

"What's with your name anyway? _Snow? _Why?"

"We got to pick our names at the orphanage. Living in a beach town, I wanted the exotic, awesome name I deserved. Stop laughing, Light-"

"-Soldier Girl With Shooty Stabby Thing."

"Yeah, thanks Vanille. Your real name must be really embarrassing. What is it, Charles? Barthandelus? Galadriel?"

"_Ask. Serah." _Another flash.

"Hey, come on, leave her alone. Any story behind your name, Fang?"

"Nope. We got given them depending on what we did in the village. I was a fighter, so..."

"And that makes Vanille...what?"

"Eligible daughter slash fishergirl," the L'Cie in question answered, fluttering her eyelashes at the now flustered boy.

"Aw, I was hoping you'd be the ice cream dispenser. By the way, Hope, that's great for a date. Just letting you know."

"I can see you now... taking Serah on a grand tour of Bodhum's vending machines. Are there ice cream factories on Pulse?"

Fang coughed, stood. "Not many. I don't like where this is going..."

Hope stood. "Light! Defend my honour!"

Her hand drifted towards her holster, but didn't close around the weapon's handle.

"Another time, maybe."

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

"Huh?"

The L'Cie turned, found a floating stone behind them, rain running down its sides in waves. Sazh had been leaning against it, his oiled coat and a Barwater spell serving to keep him dry. As he was rendered speechless, it was Snow who conducted the interrogation.

"What- Who are you!"

"Uh... to tell the truth, I've forgotten my name. I've been floating here for close to three hundred years, dude, I have to make the most of any entertainment that comes by. Incidentally, if any of you'd like to kill a Rakshasa, it'd help me a lot."

"What's been happening in Pulse?", Fang cut in.

"I'm not exactly up to date, babe."

"Well, tell us what you know!"

"What, no fight?"

Snow stepped forward. "Answer her, or there will be!"

A Paling shimmered into place around it. "Make my day, punk."

"...Please?" This from Vanille.

"Aw, I could never resist a cute kid. Okay. Back during the War of Transgression, the Cocoon Fal'Cie ripped out chunks of Pulse. Dunno why. Anyway, they ended up puncturing some of Pulse's Arks. The weapons stored inside escaped and were scattered across this continent, which messed up all our Pulse Fal'Cie's oh so careful terraforming processes. Being primarily concerned with maintaining this place, they called off the war and dealt with the problem the way Fal'Cie deal with all their problems −L'Cie. They made more and more of them to deal with all the loose weapons. Some L'Cie succeeded, but some failed, which meant Cie'th added to the problem. By the time they had repaired the breached arks and dealt with most of the escapees, there were very few humans left. Last I heard, Oerba and Paddra were still hanging on, but travellers don't tend to stop and chat with fossilised rocks. So...do I get to see two hot-ish girls beating each other up?

" ...You don't even have eyes."

"Well, fine then." The stone collapsed face down in the mud. The L'Cie stared at each other, but before they could say anything else, Vanille screamed.

Any attempt to keep dry was abandoned as a Dire Flan, a sentient yellow mound of slime, threw itself directly into the fire, severely damaging itself in the process. As they adjusted to the sudden lack of light, the Flan split itself into three smaller piles of ooze, each of which lunged for a different target. This time, neither Snow nor Lightning could stop a Flan striking directly at Hope Estheim, who didn't react quickly enough to avoid being knocked over backwards. On his back, he swung hard with his bladed boomerang, but the monster flowed around it without hesitation, liquid claws stretching to pin his arms. Wrenching one limb free, Hope thrust it directly at his attacker's eyes.

"Fira!" The Flan flinched, and he saw some of its ooze blacken and fall away, but in driving rain, the spell's effect was diminished. Recovering quickly, the monster reached for him again

"Aerora!" This proved more effective, throwing the congealed mass into the darkness, gaining enough time for Hope to scramble to his feet.

"Protect! Shell!" Something latched onto the back of his neck, but he reached around and tore the Alraune free before it could begin leeching his life force. Throwing the creature away, the L'Cie set his back against the nearest cliff wall, boomerang in hand.

Five more Alraunes threw themselves at his shields, but were repelled, leaving Hope safe inside his magical cocoon. Wiping a mixture of sweat, rain, and slime from his forehead, he tried to catch his breath, panting after a humiliatingly short engagement.

His field of vision less than five feet through darkness and rain, and he could see neither enemies nor team members, a confusing symphony of grunts, screams, and gunshot reports his only clues as to their whereabouts. Vanille's distinctive pained yelp reached him from somewhere to his right, but he could not be any more precise than that. Eyes swivelling, Hope clenched his fists. A boomerang throw might hit anything or nothing, with no guarantee he wouldn't decapitate one of his comrades. Without a clear target, he couldn't use spells either, and shouting would announce his position to the attackers.

An Alraune emerged in front of him, tendrils raised. As he raised the Librascope to his eye, two more slithered into his view in either side, to just outside the limits of his Protection.

**Alraune: **

Plenty of meaningless details, then:

**Weak: Fire**

**Absorbs: Water.**

Hope glanced at the damp grass. "...Oh shit. Fira!" The three ...plants? slugs? shied, before lunging at his barrier again, damage beginning to heal as soon as it was dealt.

"Hey! Guys! These things are Alraunes, they absorb water. They'll keep healing while it rains!"

"Hope! Where are you?" _Lightning? _She was somewhere further along the cliff wall.

"Worry about yourself!"

A huge,cylindrical shadow loomed in front of him, swallowing and hopefully smothering the Alraunes. The Dire Flan drew back to swing, the weight of its strike almost certain to punch through his barrier. Then Lightning emerged from shadows behind the creature, driving her blade to the hilt in the huge finger of slime. The monster roared, leaving Hope perversely glad the ex-sergeant had ignored his advice.

But the Flan had no internal organs, nothing that could be punctured for a quick kill. A backhand swipe from the monster sent the 'soldier girl' flying, barely retaining her grip on the 'shooty stabby thing'. The Flan promptly split itself in order to go after both targets, but even the smaller Flan's strike was enough to shatter Hope's barriers. The boy glanced at his weapon. Better than nothing. "Bravery!"

Somewhere behind the monsters, Lightning grunted in pain. Hope took a step forward, and something twined around his ankle. As he pitched forward, another Alraune leapt at his face, swallowing his head whole. A reflexive attempt at a spell resulted in tendrils questing into his mouth. Blind, he bit down hard, severing the tip of a tentacle which slid down his throat. The gag reflex forced him to open his mouth, and two more tendrils forced their way inside. Then he was tasting his own blood, and felt his knees hit grass.

_This is going to hurt..._

Left with no other choice, Hope Estheim battered himself repeatedly in the face with his boomerang. The weapon, not designed to be swung like a sword, snapped, but the Alraune recoiled from the strike and he managed to tear the creature off his face, its tentacle still writhing its way down his throat. Snatches of battle reached him as he fought down a fit of coughing, now on all fours –easy prey.

"Think I'm going down? Shiva!"

Suddenly, the air held a chill.

"You talking to me?" The Alraune left his ankle, flowing towards the centre of the chill. Apparently, so did the others, or Hope would have been attacked by now. Steeling himself, he swallowed the remnants of the Alraune's still twitching tentacle before gaining his feet.

No enemies of any description were in the immediate vicinity. Quickly healing himself, Hope followed the Alraunes.

The Campsite was big enough to lose sight of other team members, but not so much that they couldn't be quickly found. He came upon Snow quickly, standing with maybe fifteen Alraunes attached to him, trying to breach his Steelguard while being peeled away by a pair of not overdressed women wielding bladed frisbees.

_They're sealed in ice, away from the healing water. Pretty smart, for Snow._

It abruptly stopped raining, courtesy of the huge dragon hovering directly above the camp. Bahamut couldn't attack, not without risking hitting a L'Cie, but just being there was enough to weaken the water absorbing creatures. The Flans were not as easily deterred, but once the Alraunes began fleeing back to the cave they came from, Stiria and Nix unleashed Diamond Dust, sealing them within crystal shards, until the L'Cie stood alone. Fang landed lightly from her dragon, Vanille of course at her side. Sazh had a gash at his temple, blood matted in his hair, while Lightning was holding her ribs. Snow could barely stand, much of his energy having been leeched despite his Guard. And Hope.

Fang spoke. "We can't just let them go. We've got to hurt them enough they think twice about coming back, or we'll be fighting them every night.

Sazh nodded, drew guns. "Brynhildr!" Once he climbed on, the flaming car roared after the departed monsters, the other L'Cie running in its wake.

Hope moved to follow, and suddenly pitched forward and vomited more than he thought possible. When he looked up, he was alone.

* * *

**Author's note: I made up the Cie'th Stone's story, may or may not be canonical.**

**What do you think, folks? Is an Alraune an animal or a plant?**


	3. Chapter 3

_Well, the general consensus seems to be animal. Thanks for your input._

**Snow**

Morning dawned. The Alraunes and Flans had been driven back almost to the borders of the Yaschas Massif, and their numbers were severely dented. Fang estimated that they would take several days to re-colonise the Media, and another all out attack was unlikely, especially if the L'Cie made a point of periodically culling them

That said, the longer the L'Cie stayed at 'Base Camp', the more likely another storm would hit. Best not to waste time. As such, as soon as they were well enough rested, Fang and Vanille took Sazh on a scouting mission, acclimatising him to the Pulsian environment, and hopefully making contact with Paddra, if the place still existed. Snow and Hope weren't in a condition to travel, while Lightning had elected to stay for reasons of her own. Left with nothing to do, midday found Lightning dismantling and cleaning her gladius, Snow punching rocks, and Hope doing...nothing at all. He'd cast a few Barwater spells to make the camp a less damp place to be, and now, he was just waiting. Sazh had taken the Datalog with him, so even online gaming was out of the question.

The others were so much better at this than him. Snow and Light had gone on extended monster hunting missions before, Vanille and Fang were literally at home, and even Sazh had been trained how to survive if he ever crashed in Cocoon's wilds. He leaned back on his rock.

Eventually, Light reassembled the gunblade, aimed carefully, and shot a stone out of the air just as Snow was about to shatter it with his fist. A fragment nicked the fistfighter's cheek, but he just smiled and sauntered over, producing Serah's tear and tossing it from hand to hand. He'd started invoking her name like a deity, but no one else had the heart to comment. Any invocation of a Fal'Cie rang hollow these days, and where else could he turn?

"Gunblade all fixed up then?" Snow shed his coat and sat on it, shielding himself from the damp grass.

"For now."

Hope glanced at her. "How often are you supposed to do that?"

"When you can. You've got to take care of these things. If you don't, everything that goes wrong with swords, everything that goes wrong with guns, and plenty of problems of its very own happen sooner or later."

"Um...And you chose that as your weapon... why?"

"I couldn't afford to lose my edge. I had to keep fighting for Serah. With one of these, you _have_ to keep training. Slash before the blade locks in place, and it's not solid enough and snaps off. Fire too late, the bullet hits the blade and comes right back at you. You can't afford to mess up, so you train." She lifted aside her hair, revealing a shallow but ugly scar over her right ear.

_...Wow. Wish I had that kind of motivation._

Events in Palumpolom came to mind.

_Uh... maybe not._

Snow flicked the tear skyward, caught it. "I'm sure she's proud of you."

"And you'd know?"

"Ask her." He tossed her the stone. "Maybe she'll change your mind about us getting married." Pause. "What _was _your problem, anyway?"

Lightning sheathed the Gladius. "You want the full list?"

"Yowch. 'Know thine enemy.' Sure, why not?"

"Would you have proposed, if she hadn't been made a L'Cie?"

"Of course!"

"Really? The same day?"

"..."

"Right. You also run a militia, and you're always 'the hero'. I've known a few like you in the Corps. You survive, but if Yuj or Maqui followed your example, they'd get killed. That'd hit you, and Serah, hard, if she was with you."

"I always kept them out of the action."

"Yeah, but they wanted to be heroes too, right?"

Hope stood up. He needed to wash the vomit from his jacket, and now was as good a time as any. His guardians' eyes flicked to him, then met each other.

_Later..._

Dipping his jacket in the waterfall, Hope didn't look up.

"I know you're there, Snow."

The fistfighter smiled, stepped into view.

"You're getting more alert."

"Good. Leave me alone. The Alraunes aren't back yet, you don't need to protect me. Not here, not now."

"Nora told me to keep you safe."

"She told you to _see me home._ You did that, it's _done. _No Obligations, Rules or Authority."

"Fine. Light told me to keep you safe, and she already punches me about three times a day as it is."

"Snow. Leave. Me. Alone. If I do get ambushed, you're in no condition to fight yet. You'll just get yourself killed protecting me."

"Fair trade, then."

"Stop it!" Hope lunged at the bigger man, fists battering his chest. When he drew back, Snow's expression hadn't changed.

"Punch like that, you're going to break your thumb. Keep it _outside_ your fist. I was told to keep you safe, Hope, and I'm going to do it or die trying."

"Yeah, well, your record so far isn't the best. Nora? Dead. A bunch of Bodhum refugees? Dead. Serah? De-" He tasted water, and blood. When he gained his feet, Snow was staring at his hands, crystal tear cutting into one palm.

"Hey, listen, I'm sorry I shouldn't have said tha-"

"You're right."

"No, I mean −what?"

"You're right. Serah's probably not coming back, and even if she does, it's not likely to be in my lifetime. Even wanting her back is selfish. Who knows, maybe crystal sleep is fun. But I _have _to believe I'll see her again, because, otherwise, what am I doing here? I hope she comes back, but that doesn't mean I believe it'll happen. I have to sound certain, though, because hope is contagious. If Light and Fang and Vanille and Sazh think I'm certain of seeing Serah again, they'll be able to have hope, just a little bit. Maybe enough to keep them looking for a solution."

Hope stared at him. T his was a side to Snow he'd never seen.

"I'm ... sorry."

"Do me a favour? Don't tell the others. Especially Light."

"Tell me what?" Neither of them had heard her approach. Snow hesitated. Looking first at him, Hope Estheim then met Lightning Farron's stare.

"Um... I don't know how to tell you this, but..."

"What?"

"He's not inviting you to the wedding."

_Maybe Snow's out of character here, but I think it's believable. He says something similar talking to refugees at the start of the game 'Be confident, and they will too.' Please review, compliments not compulsory._


	4. Chapter 4

_N.B. Where a Fal'Cie name is mentioned where there's no plot reason for it, the characters are using it the same way some people say "God!"_

**Lightning**

Lightning Farron stood perfectly still for a long moment.

_I actually hurt her feelings. Too late to say anything now. Um..._

"I wouldn't worry too much. Serah'll probably invite you." Snow glanced across at him, fists clenched behind his back.

Light still hadn't moved. Snow glanced across again, then spoke.

"Tell you what... if you hold off on punching me until after the reception, I'll think about letting you in. I just don't want to be bruised that particular night."

Hope shuddered. "Please don't raise that image again."

"Like you even understand it."

The ex-sergeant took a step forward, right hand dipping to her holster. Hope stepped between them.

"Hey guys, let's see what Serah says before you kill each other, okay? I don't want to have to tell her her sister killed her boyfriend. ...Sorry Snow, but that's what I'm betting."

"The Hero never dies!"

Lightning turned on her heel and walked away. Hope and Snow exchanged glances.

"Ooops."

Snow opened his hands. "For future reference, Hope, Serah is a bit of a sore point. You oughta _know _that by now."

"Um...right. Better do something I guess."

Snow began cleaning the cut on his hand from Serah's tear, Hope walked back to camp. One single Alraune was in his path, but he was able to deal with it alone.

He rounded a corner, to find himself picked up by the collar and drawn nose to nose with an angry Guardian Corps.

"_Don't wander off again."_ Part of it was misdirected anger at what she thought was Snow's comment, but not all of it. For the first time since he'd met her, Hope Estheim was actually afraid.

_Carbuncle, she's...completely in pieces. I lost Mom, and that was all I had to lose. We fought Guardian Corps to get here...we've probably killed people she knew. **She's** probably killed people she knew. But 'a target's a target'. The Corps, her sister, her home...She's lost her world._

Hope hesitated. "Sorry."

She let him go. A few weeks ago, he'd have landed on his back, but he'd gotten a little lighter on his feet since. They were about to move on when she said "What happened to your face?"

_Uh-oh._ "I ... fell."

"I know a fist-mark when I see it, Hope. Domestic violence's pretty much all the Bodhum Corps did when they weren't monster hunting"

"...Ok, fine. Um... When those Alraunes attacked us, one swallowed my head. I had to hit myself to get rid of it."

"And you didn't tell me this straight away because..."

"Because... It wouldn't have happened to the rest of you. I'm sick of being the liability on this team." His wrist began to itch as his voice gained strength. "All the time, I'm the one who has to be protected! I'm the one whose slowing you down, I'm the one who gets knocked out first! I'm the one who's going to be the first to die−"

"You're _not_ going to die! I won't let that happen!"

"Yeah? You'll take the hit for me? And who'll save Serah then?"

A blink. "What?"

They reached the camp. Lightning settled on a rock and sighed.

" Look, Hope, you're our medic. In a military engagement, the healers are never in the front lines, and they're never heavily armed. Support units aren't supposed to deal damage unless they have to. We're not taking care of you because your dad asked us to. Maybe you don't deal as much damage as some of the rest of us, but, we need someone to repair broken legs too. There's no point in killing a Behemoth if we all die in the process."

"You can heal too."

"Yeah, I can. We all can if we train. Foot soldiers all know a bit of healing, enough to keep someone alive until they can be brought in range of the real medics. If we get hit hard by something, I'm not enough. Sure , a healer alone isn't much use, but that's why we have to protect−"

Her teeth audibly snapped shut.

_Oh. Ok, Light, I understand you now. You're a Guardian. You couldn't stop the Purge, couldn't protect Serah. So now it's Operation Estheim. Shut out all distractions from your goal, because otherwise you'll stop to think and realise how messed up our situation is. We're on another world, full of dangerous monsters, we can't fulfil our Focus now even if we want to. So you keep me safe. And if you have to protect me, I'm probably going to get you killed. _

Hope stood. "Can I borrow that knife again?"

"..."

"I won't lose it. Promise."

"...Operation NORA's over, right?"

_What? ...Oh._

"No, I'm not going to stab him. Not until Serah says I can."

A very brief smile, at the idea that Serah was potentially coming out of stasis. Hope wondered if he should pay more attention to NORA's leader.

He didn't see her follow, but he was certain he wouldn't be allowed to wander off. Climbing a pile of scree, he found the site of a lightning strike during the storm ( ie. the 'flashy thing'). Blackened, cracked stone. The blade flicked out.

_If there's no one to protect, they'll take care of themselves. Even now, I'm the reason Light didn't go scouting today. But..._

He twirled the knife, and, cursing, firmed his grip.

_Hah...So much for this thing keeping me safe. No , you were doing that, Light. Your Focus. _

His wrist stung for an instant.

_What'll happen if she fails again? Brands accelerate with strong emotions, right? Will not reaching her goal again be dangerous? Maybe. Can I risk it?_

The blade returned to its slot...

_Ok, you win for now. I'll try and survive, I'll work hard to at least not put the others in danger. I brought you all here; I'll try and bring you home too. And if not, I'll convince you to leave me behind. I'm not gonna let Pulse swallow us all without trace._

_Not without trace._

He flicked out the blade again, and ran its tip across the rock face with enough force to leave marks. The current date. And, at the centre of the burn mark 'Lightning was here."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note: Hope did _NOT_ slash his wrists in the previous chapter. That 'sting' was the L'Cie Brand.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sazh**

Hope returned the knife quickly, not wanting the others to come looking for him. Light would probably take a dim view of blunting her beloved birthday present in the name of graffiti. She looked at him oddly for an instant, then folded the knife and stowed it away.

So he asked Snow for Serah's tear instead.

* * *

When Sazh, Fang, and Vanille got back, covered in blood, sweat and intestines, Hope was playing hangman on the canyon walls, drawing with one of the broken pieces of his own boomerang. Spin the Crystal Tear hadn't gone down well with his two shadows, despite his pointing out that Snow regularly tossed the last relic of his beloved fiancee around like a juggling ball. That had almost triggered a Shiva v. Odin sparring match, which, broadcast to Cocoon on a pay per view basis could have made a lot of money had the others not returned when they did. Granted, such a fight would probably also have levellled the canyon.

Lightning looked up as the expedition returned.

"Find anything?"

Fang shrugged. "Got into a scrap with a Behemoth King in the Yaschas. We didn't get as far as Paddra, but it doesn't look like the city's still there. There's too many monsters around, there's no way they'd let so many make dens so close. W can try again tomorrow."

"We need to find people, fast, before the Alraunes regroup. The longer we spend foraging, the less time we can move, and we'll get taken down sooner or later."

"What about Oerba? You've got relatives there, right?" Hope regretted asking the question as soon as it reached the Pulsians' ears. Fang's face went blank, Vanille's lit up. Something was wrong.

"We'd have to cross the Steppe. I saw fourteen L'Cie try to fight an Adamantortoise once. Three of them turned to crystal, the rest either ran or were pulped. Let's try Paddra first."

_Why don't you want to go home, Fang?_

"We can worry about it tomorrow." Lightning, yet again.

_You can. I know I won't be allowed near a monster. So when we do take on an Adamantortoise, I won't be able to handle it, and the rest of you will die protecting me._

_

* * *

_

Sazh settled on a nearby rock, listening to the others breathe with twin pistols laid across his knees. He was too old to be fighting alien monsters on another world. 'Pulse was hell' he'd been taught in training. And here he was, and he was damned if he didn't disagree. It was no holiday resort, and they were all going to die soon, but he couldn't but feel it was an improvement over shooting Corps soldiers in the middle of a dead Nautilus. The city had probably been Purged by now. Staring at Vanille down the barrels of his guns, hating himself for not having the strength of will to pull that trigger. That was hell. He still couldn't bring himself to forgive her, but he'd keep fighting.

Hope was struggling, he could see that. He was even more out of his depth than the pilot, and hadn't the resilience that had come from losing his wife. His twin Shadows were probably necessary, but they were hurting him by keeping him safe, fatally undermining his self confidence. Thing was, Lightning and Snow were both hurting. They needed someone to protect, someone to make them feel useful. Someone to look down on, almost. Like a civilian airship pilot with little combat experience and an inability to shoot something while doing treble backward somersaults.

Vanille hadn't noticed how much quicker he'd suddenly become on the draw when they had been separated from the others.

_I need to get them away from him, just for a while, so he can stand on his own. But._

"Chocobo?"

The chick squeaked. Sazh woke Lightning, stepped away from the camp and found a Flan.

"Kill!" The Chocobo chick lunged, Sazh losing a patch of hair as the tiny yellow bird plunged directly into the Flan's gooey left eye, emerging the far side waterlogged but perfectly healthy. Sazh began shooting, and Flamestrikes finished the monster.

He turned to find Lightning behind him.

"I've heard of attack Chocobos, but don't you think you're being a little premature?"

_Was that ... a joke?_

"What're you doing here?"

"I woke Snow to keep an eye on the camp. None of us should be wandering alone. 'Pulse is hell'"

"We got taught that. As well as 'Galenth Dysley is a saint.'

Dismissive/irritated noise.

"Yeah." He collected his sodden Chocobo, and they walked back to base camp.

Snow looked up.

"And what were you two doing?"

Lightning punched him.

Sazh looked at them, than at the Chocobo in his hands.

"What's the plan for tomorrow?"

Light shrugged. "Try for Paddra again?"

"Yeah...Listen, Fang doesn't want Vanille to get upset if we find it in ruins. That means I've got to take you with me."

The two glanced at each other.

"Both of us?" Snow.

"Yep. Fang won't leave Vanille, and an old man like me can't go rock climbing by himself."

Hesitation.

"Chocobo?"

A chirp.

"Keep an eye on Hope for me tomorrow, okay? Don't let him go missing."

Sazh looked up at the others.

"Chocobos travel fast, anything messes with him, the other's ll be warned instantly. He'll be fine."

"Okay." Lightning.

"Road trip!" Snow.

_Next morning..._

Hope blinked. "You're leaving?" Lightning, Snow, and Sazh had decided to make an early start.

Light looked at him.

"Will you be okay on your own?"

A hesitation, and then his face firmed.

"It's not a question of can or can't−"

Fang walked by. "So Light...you regret saying that yet?"

Vanille wrapped her arms around the boy from behind. "Don't worry, we'll keep him close."

The look Hope gave her was decidedly uneasy.


	7. Chapter 7

_Yeah, I know it's short. There's not going to be a Fang Chapter, this fic is repetitive enough as it is. Just one more to finish up._

**Vanille**

Over the last few days, at times there had been nothing Hope would've liked more than to be rid of his bodyguards. Now that they were gone, (not without a few backward glances, betraying that they still didn't have much confidence in him) he was sorry to be alone. There wasn't a lot he could do to prove himself in the absence of support. He doubted he could take on Dire Flan by himself, which left him with nothing to do to make himself useful. He practised sneaking up on the nearest pack of Alraunes, and discovered that, while he had difficulty taking them down alone, he could fend them off for minutes at a time, and slowly wear them down with magics while healing himself. It was slow progress, but he could do it. Not that he planned on going Commando any time soon against anything strong, but it was something.

He returned to the camp to find Fang apparently asleep, and Vanille nowhere to be seen. After searching unsuccessfully for the Datalog (he only needed three more manadrives to make the official roll of honour in _Cocoon Warrior 2)_, he went to look for her. Something about Vanille made her easy to listen to, and she was the only other member of the party who had to hide behind the others in combat.

Towards the Edge of the Steppe, he came upon the girl with her back to him.

"... in their desperation to be reunited with the Maker, created L'Cie. ...I wonder what we'll end up creating?"

"What are you doing?"

She jumped, and spun, Sazh' datalog spilling from her hand. "Hope!"

He narrowed his eyes. "Are you narrating the storyline?"

She blushed. "I've been...keeping a diary."

"Really? How long?" Hope picked up the datalog and pressed rewind.

'_The thirteen days after we awoke...were the beginning...of the end.'_

He glanced at her. "Way to begin on a happy note." Pause. "Are you ok?"

Pause. "I'm always ok."

He listened to the first minute or so of the datalog, before shutting it off. Vanille clearly had some upsetting memories, but she never let it show.

"How do you do that? How do you deal with everything that's happening, without...screaming, or killing someone, or...anything? How do you never get upset or depressed? How do you cope with being...weak?"

She looked up at him.

"I got depressed once." He burst out laughing, and five seconds later would forever hate himself for it.

"_Once?_ Really? When was that?"

"The day I was made a L'Cie. My Eidolon manifested, and killed fifteen people before I managed to reign it in. So now it's happy, happy, happy. I tell myself I'll face it later. I don't want anyone else to get hurt."

Hope Estheim stared at her, Vanille and her downcast eyes.

"...I ..." _I thought she was almost as weak as me, but...my problems are swamping me, but she...she's walking around with a smile, with a world on her shoulders. And look at me, all downhearted because I can't keep up with the others._

_What am I doing here?_

"I'm...sorry."

He turned and ran away from her, faster than he'd thought possible. Plunging past a now awakened Fang, he shouted 'Gathering supplies' over his shoulder as he fled deeper into the media. She stretched elaborately, then winked at the Chocobo, which fluttered into his wake.


End file.
